And, to answer the un-asked question (lol), the one song that describes my life/feelings/outpourings of emotion right now would have to be “On Distant Shores”
I have been scarred so deep by life and cold despair
and brittle bones were broken far beyond repair
I have leveled lies so deep, the truth may never find
and inside my faithless heart, I stole things never mine
If mercy falls upon the broken and the poor
Dear Father, I will see you there on distant shores
I have toiled for countless years and ever felt the cost
and I’ve been burned by this world’s cold like leaves beneath the frost
On my knees I crawl to you, bleeding myself dry
but the price of life is more than I could ever buy
And off of the blocks, I was headstrong and proud
at the front of the line for the card-carrying, highbrowed
with both eyes fastened tight yet unscarred from the fight
running at full tilt, my sword pulled from its hilt
it’s funny how these things can slip away, our frail deeds,
the last will wave good-bye
it’s funny how the hopes will bleed away, the citadels,
we build and fortify
Good-bye.
Night came and I broke my stride, I swallowed hard but never cried
When grace was easy to forget, I’d denounce the hypocrites
Casting first stones, killing my own
You would unscale my blind eyes, and I stood battered but more wise
fighting to accelerate, shaking free from crippling weight
with resilience unsurpassed, i clawed my way to you at least
and on my knees, i wept at your feet, i finally believed, that You still loved me.
Yes, I’d say that about said it. I’m young, yes. I haven’t lived for many decades, I admit. I still have some scars. As a lady I was talking to said today, “Yes, the bruises of being hit too hard heal and the gashes left will knit back together, but the heart remembers…” That was in regard to parents leaving their mark on their children. But, face it, the world does it to everyone. Even if your parents left no mark on you, even if no other human has touched you physically, your heart remembers the things that have happened to you. And, sadly enough, I can honestly say that I realize that my childhood was pretty awful and that my parents needed some of the classes I now provide; I can also say that having relationships can hurt more than the heart and the mind in a way more tangible way; and I can say that people can hurt unintentionally as well…and those marks are often the ones that are hardest to cover up and to put the balm on. The physical ones, the intentional ones…they aren’t as hard to overcome. I still want those relationships. I love my parents and I’m open to a relationship with a member of the male of our species, should the good Lord see fit to send one my way. Those are the relationships that the world has told me should be the hardest to overcome because of the physical aspects. Not so, not so…
Grace is easy to forget, especially when the plank in our eye is overshadowed by someone else’s speck. I think learning this is why the above relationships have been let go of in the past couple years…I have had to remember grace and have learned so many lessons about it. Now, I have to remember one more thing and learn it well: No matter what I try to pay, no matter how much lifeblood I try to spill for God to prove my worthiness, nothing can show it, nothing but faith. That is all I have to give that means anything. I can try and try, but all God wants is that belief. Love. Yep yep.
*smacks self on forehead*
Simple.
- posted by orang-utan @ 8/25/2003 11:54:09 PM
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