“Pink, it’s like red but not quite”

On Neal’s blog is a semi-discussion on pink. Not really a discussion so much as a few people issuing their dislike and others defending this almost-color of yuck. (In case you can’t figure out my view on the color, I don’t like it.)

However, I don’t think the color does what this article says it does. Seriously? C’mon. There is such a thing as taking something too far and, well, this is it. (This was mentioned on my local news and had a woman on there discussing how it was degrading. Pink? Degrading? Sheesh.)

Completely

I’ve been looking so long at these pictures of you
that I almost believe that they’re real.
I’ve been living so long with my pictures of you
that I almost believe that the pictures
are all I can feel.

I was commenting to Neal the other day how odd I find it when people have tons of pictures of themselves with others. Who is taking all of these pictures of people? And giving the picutres to them? I’m amazed.

One of Neal’s acquaintances has a picture of him and her on her blog banner. I noticed this and pondered having pictures of myself. Granted, their mutual friend took the picture and gave it to them both, of course. Heck, Neal emailed a copy of the pic to me the day he received it. But I pondered this because I told Neal that I can’t imagine having pictures of me with other people lying here and there, randomly pasted about. He then reminded me that when we are out and about together people are always stopping us and offering to take our pictures.

Sure, part of this is because we both often have our cameras with us, I think. But…why do people assume we want our pictures taken? Is this how people get so many pictures of themselves with others? Complete strangers stop and offer to take your picture? I just…don’t understand this. The first time we went as a couple to some falls we were asked while sitting on a wall if we wanted our picture taken by a couple tourists from another country. The last time I visited him and we were walking on our beach, another stranger stopped us and asked if we wanted our picture taken together. Other times while out and about when people see us with a camera, it almost seems as though it were a natural inclintation that we would want our picture taken together.

But…I’m not fond of cameras when they are pointed in my direction at all. I love looking through one and seeing what I can see in nature and record that moment in its ever-changing presence for future reference but…pictures of myself? Do I want that? Do I want to see myself captured, also for future reference?

I really am amazed when people put together slide shows of themselves with other people. My slide show would be about three seconds long and that is with a two second transition between pics. All of the pics I do have seem to be of me throwing my hands in front of my face or of attempting to duck around a doorway as someone is rushing at me with a camera. It was a game in college to attempt to catch me on film. And I have some awful pics to prove that it didn’t work out so well.

But…why this aversion to pics? I’ve finally allowed Neal to take a few, since he enjoys doing so, and I assented with the last man who offered to take our picture while we were on the beach at dusk. But…I think I’ve finally figured out why I don’t take pics of people or want my picture taken.

I want to enjoy. I want to do. I don’t want to pose. I don’t want to capture the moment for future reference. I don’t take my camera to parties or to gatherings. I want to live the experience. I don’t want anyone left out of the action in the least. I don’t want any of the people I’m hanging out with to experience the moment through a tiny frame, instead wishing them to see the whole picture completely, without delay or pause. Fully seeing and enjoying and being with me.

I don’t need a picture to remind me of the moments at the falls or the walk on the beach, sitting against a log afterwards and enjoying the darkening sky and water together. I don’t need a physical reminder of these things to hold in my hand because my memory is so fresh and clear, my mind captures these snapshots with those I love and holds them closer than a bit of captured light on paper: It holds them in my heart.

And I don’t want to look at a piece of paper and wonder about the people in it, where they went, why they aren’t near me. I want to maintain my wide view, seeing all and keeping people, not in my lens, but in my life.

Remembering:
You, standing quiet in the rain,
as I ran to your heart to be near
and we kissed as the sky fell in,
holding you close,
how I always held close in your fear.

Remembering:
You, running soft through the night:
You were bigger and brighter and whiter than the snow
and screamed at the make-believe,
screamed at the sky,
and you finally found all your courage
to let it all go.

A woman after my own heart

Conversation with my friend about something that I’m down about:

“Maybe [description of something that could have happened to what I'm waiting for and how it still can be good news]. That could be what happened,” she said.

“Yeah. Maybe. I suppose that could happen. But I doubt it,” I replied.

“Yeah, I am always optimistic when it comes to other people and things that happen to me but I’m never the same about myself.”

“Yeah. I know. I’m the same way.”

But it’s nice to hear that something, especially something not-so far-fetched, could’ve happened to delay possible good news.

But I’m still expecting bad news tomorrow.

I can’t help it.

Apparently it runs in my friendships.

Oh. Now I see.

Under my skin I’m ready to run
Under my skin there’s nowhere to hide
Under my skin the world is a stranger
And I’ve already died

After being forced through a mandatory sexual harassment training today, I began thinking a lot about perception and what it means, not only in the workplace, but in my personal life, too. (Although I was told that the workers who are not contractual do not have “personal time”: They are always considered to be employees and must comport themselves as such. If they are caught doing anything morally suspect, they can be fired at any point in time. If they tell a joke to a buddy of theirs and one of my coworkers is walking down the next aisle at Wal-Mart and hears it and is offended by it, they can be fired. Fun, eh?)

What kind of world do we live in that we have to live our entire lives by the perceptions of others? Where our own intent matters so little in the face of someone else’s point of view. I was told today that my verbiage of calling women “chicks” was very, very offensive and I can’t do it in front of one of my coworkers (not that I talk like that at work, generally, anyway). If I turn to the coworker I’m especially friendly with and call her “babe” as I often do and another coworker overhears it and doesn’t like my saying it to my friend, I can be written up for sexual harassment.

***

After having dated my ex-fiance, I personally can’t help but be very cautious about how I react to people of the opposite sex. I’m slowly but surely overcoming that conditioning to double-think every tiny thing I say to gauge the weight of its overtone and how it can possibly be misconstrued. With friends and family I’ve always known I can let loose, be myself, say that thought that strikes us as humourous but that might be taken completely wrong by someone else.

But…when does it get out of hand? As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve been accused of being a huge flirt with waiters when I treat male and female servers the same. I’m a friendly person and I love to interact and talk with those I come in contact with. I learn so much about people this way and, apparently, I’m the type of person people feel comfortable talking to. They tell me things I wouldn’t imagine telling someone I just met but…it’s interesting, nonetheless.

Who, then, is responsible for the guy thinking I’m coming on to him when I’m just being helpful or friendly? Let’s say that he’s an acquaintance of mine who is having some personal problems. We see each other maybe a couple times a year and we’re catching up on the past few months. He tells me about his work issues, some issues some family members are having, the fact that his girlfriend just broke up with him, etc. I, being the nice person that I can be, attempt to make him feel a bit better about the situations and assure him that things can work out at work, with his family, with another girl who will appreciate him for who he is. I’m not coming on to him. I’m not attempting to make him think that I am the girl who will appreciate him more than his ex. In fact, as most of my readers and this guy know, I’m perfectly content with the relationship I now have and am not looking to start an extracurricular romance or seek a completely new one. Is it my fault if he starts looking at me differently? If he, after being acquaintances for some time, thinks that maybe I’m interested in him now and seeks to further this intent? If he sees how I am with my current SO and realizes that he likes the way I treat him and if he then begins to email me, something he had never done before, becoming interested in my life and keeping me updated on his, what responsibility do I hold?

I’m confrontational, in large part, and I know how I would handle this situation, so I’m not asking what I should do. I already know. “Ummm…Bob? You weren’t interested in me the entire time that I was single and we knew each other and, now that I’ve found the person I’m content with, I’m not going to even think about ruining it by looking at you in this manner. Back off. “

I’m asking this, “How much fault of mine is it, due to my friendly nature and apparently because I’m too caring, that this guy now thinks I like him?” Do I hold some responsibility in his perception of what I was attempting to do by being friendly and attempting to make him feel better?

If so, how do I know whose perceptions are skewed, whose views of what I’m attempting are a bit off? Do I just view everyone this way, denying my normal friendly self and withdrawing from easygoing chats with old acquaintances and newly-met, partial strangers? Can I not joke with the cashier at the grocery store anymore? Can I not help an acquaintance feel better about breaking up with his girlfriend? When is my intent unimportant in the face of perception?

(And, as a side note, why would any guy think that I would leave my SO and date someone who is willing to attempt to woo an attached person away from her current lover [used in the more archaic sense, my readers with their minds awash in the rainwater from today's storm and the debris that it is carrying with it]? I’m not interested in dating a guy who would encourage a girl to hurt someone for him just for personal gain nor a guy who would be willing to participate in a cheating relationship. That’s just wrong, in my ever-so-humble, personal opinion. To each her own, though.)

***

Let’s say I’m in my coworker/friend’s office. We are joking around quietly. Her door is closed. Another coworker who has it in for my friend purposefully walks up to the door and puts her ear up against it, finding the best spot to hear everything we’re saying. She becomes offended by something my friend says and turns her in for harassment. As we were told today, this can happen.

Because.

As we were told, we have the responsibility, as “mature adults,” to maintain a particular attitude at all times. We might have “gotten away with it in seventh grade” but we can’t now. Fine. I understand this. I really do.

But, as “mature adults,” don’t the other people have the responsiblity to say to the perpetrator that her behavior is offensive? I realize that what I say and do can be closely scrutinized. Hell, I haven’t worked where I do for a year and a half without learning that my every move is being watched by my coworkers. (Not paranoia, mind you. Truth.) I can see why an action might need to be reported immediately. I do see both sides, especially in a workplace setting. I do. But…who holds responsibility when perception is colored by dislike or grudge? This, I have seen on more than one occasion.

***

I see things differently than anyone else will ever see them. My vision is unique. So is yours.

But when one person’s perception distorts someone’s intent, who is in the wrong? Am I wrong for leading my male acquaintance on? Is my friend wrong for telling me something in the privacy of her office where we knew no one just walking by could hear? Is the male acquaintance wrong for misinterpreting my actions? Or the coworker in the other scenario? Is there a person in the wrong here? How do we decide?

It’s not just about sexual harassment. It’s not just about one person misinterpreting another’s interest in him or her. For me, it’s about whether I am allowed to be myself anymore. As one coworker said when we left the meeting, “I’m nervous. I’m cautious. I don’t know who to trust or what people are thinking I mean. And I don’t know if I want to react ‘normally’ anymore.” Is friendly wrong? Where are the boundaries? And, when you think you know them and you follow societal “norms” and someone still perceives you as being too far over their own line, what then?

***

I feel I’m not explaining myself clearly. In fact, I know I’m not. I can see people responding with the sexual harassment stuff, which is not my point. I don’t make crude jokes at work or say things that are inappropriate around anyone but my own friends and family (and, then, is it inappropriate?) I know the lines of polite society and try to fall within the guidelines.

But when someone’s misperception of what is being done harms me or a friend, then what? Which party is at fault? Is either party at fault? Is it just miscommunication?

And, if it is, should I just quit communicating in my outgoing manner for fear that someone is going to hear my words incorrectly?

And, do I want to live that way?

Under my skin there’s a fire burning
Under my skin there’s never a smile
Under my skin I’m drowning not waving
Under my skin there’s only denial

Hello. I’m jess.

And I’m Jessica.

And I’m Jessi.

And I’m Jess.

I am a person of dichotomy. I revel in solitude and enjoy my time with others immensely. I love to talk with anyone I meet yet I can be shy at odd times for no particular reason. I am expressively outgoing but feel emotionally introverted. I feel so very comfortable in crowds yet can feel so very alone at times too.

Nothing is ever simple with me. I am someone new with everyone but the same person with everyone. I don’t pretend. I don’t play games. I don’t want to make believe with people. Yet I don’t give of my whole self. What you see is what you get, true, but what you see isn’t all there is to get.

I once said that you cannot be the same kind of friend to two different people because you are always someone different. We are who our friends need and want to be around. Yet we are still ourselves at all times.

Those who change who they are completely to suit a new person are those who bother me. The people who pretend to be your friend while attempting to make your life a living hell. Those who are bitter shrews at work but relaxed and somewhat normal out and about. Those who are kind around some people and rude around all others. Those who make it a point to attempt to suck up to one person and are only kind in that person’s presence but who are mean-spirited in heart to everyone else. I can’t abide that.

We are different people. We change and adapt to new people and new situations. But there is still a sense of remaining true to self in most people, I hope. There is a sense of knowing you are not acting a part but being yourself, even if different aspects of who you are come through.

Optical Illusion

And when I see you,
I really see you upside down.

When looking at someone, a friend or family member, a person with whom you work, anyone you have known for some time, do you think you know them? That you have “pegged” who they are? That you have any idea of who they really just by what they are presenting to you?

I have a coworker that I get along with, to an extent. We’ve hung out after work a few times and I’ve noticed that she is completely different away from the office: She shifts personalities so easily that it actually bothered me enough to make me refuse to go out with her anymore. I can’t imagine shifting self so quickly and easily, to be so manipulative to be able to do this.

But…is she manipulative? Some others in our office would agree with that descriptor of her. They would say that she desires power and recognition while attempting to do so little to get it. She craves attention. And those things are most likely true. But the more I learn about her family life, the more I realize that I am so very sorry for her and I don’t wonder that she’s learned to chameleonize herself in such a way. I discovered some information about her last week accidentally that chilled me and other information that she herself has told me in the past two years that causes me to pause and wonder that she’s as functional as she is. She just started going to counseling to work out her issues and I’ll have to say that I’m glad that she’s able to find someone to talk to.

It’s the same with family and friends. We see them through self-tinted glasses. Some old friends never seem to grow up but…maybe it’s just that we aren’t giving them the benefit of the doubt. Newer friends seem to deny their true selves and morph into someone else entirely over the course of a few months…but maybe we never truly knew them in the first place.

As we grow and learn with people, we assimilate flaws and failures along with the positives we have disovered, hopefully allowing that no one is perfect, not even ourselves, as much as some of us attempt to fool ourselves into thinking we are.

This is the amazing difference I’ve had with my relationship with a good friend of mine. We immediately saw (or, rather, allowed each other to see) flaws that few others see and still liked what we saw around those chinks. We are attempting to help each other soothe over those ragged spots and become someone that we ourselves like better. We were willing to say, from the beginning, “I know you’re not perfect but I’m willing to accept all of you and help you work on what you’re desiring to change about yourself to make yourself into something more that you want to be.”

Have there been bumps? Yes. Have there been surprises? Yes. Pain? Hell, yes. But coupled with that are the overwhelming sense of openness and knowing of one another that has never been equalled for me.

As for the others with whom I’ve come in contact, I’m attempting to open my eyes a bit wider and, so I hope, begin to see things in a clearer light. Maybe begin to, for once, give more people the benefit of doubt. To realize that people change, for better or worse. That people want to become something better and are often willing to work toward this. That people just want to be recognized for what they are and who they are trying to be.

I still don’t want to hang out with my coworker. But I think I understand where she’s coming from a bit more.

I don’t know where you’ve been. But I now see where you are. And I hope that you are willing to put the past behind you as much as possible and be something better, something stronger, something more resilient because of what you’ve been through.

But my brain knows better:
It picks you up and turns you around…