I am consistently amazed at people’s abilities to simply assume things to be just because they’d like them to be that way. For example, a person’s ability to delude themselves into thinking that just because they’ve known someone a long time they know the person very well. I’m unsure why they think time equals knowledge of someone. Be assured, all, that this is definitely not so.
Neal and I, for instance trusted each other immediately, something rare for both of us. He knew me better than any of my long-time friends in a few short months and I, he. (Said confidently and with his permission, as he is sitting right here in front of me. *Neal says, “HI!” and waves at the imaginary Jess-audience*) We can honestly say that we opened up to each other as we had opened to no one else previously, friend or family member. No one. So when my long-time friends said they knew me, well, yes, they did, but not better than this newer friend by far.
I said before that the things that other friends had found annoying in him and things that my other friends found frustrating in me, we both found endearing in each other. This is true and is probably the reason our friendship grew close very quickly. The other reason is inexplicable because neither of us knew why we trusted so quickly and so fully. It just came naturally within our friendship. In fact, my trust in him and knowledge that I could tell this new friend anything was a mitigating factor in my becoming more open with some of my more long-time friends.
Time does not equal knowledge. Take, for example, the minister who thinks that because he has known a person since he was young that he will be invited to a friends-and-family-only wedding. Take, also for example, the friend who calls himself a great friend to someone and, in public, pretends to know them well when, in truth, she doesn’t even know his email address or phone number and can’t get in touch with him…and repeated attempts at contact to maintain the friendship go unheeded. I am unsure why people want to put forth the façade that they know another better than they do but, for me, it is a frustrating quality that I abhor.
As we were discussing who to invite, Neal and I discovered people we once considered close friends and, after creating the list and discussing it more, we wondered to ourselves why we had included some. Sure, we used to be in close contact and used to know them well but…can we even say that we know them anymore at all? But, propriety prevails and they’ve already been told they are invited, so what are we to do? Call them up (assuming we know their phone numbers) and say, “You know what I just realized? I was inviting close friends to the wedding and I automatically invited you because I have just become so used to calling you a good friend, still maintain an old habit that is no longer based on reality”? Can you do that? I doubt it. They wouldn’t understand and would be upset, content with their little charade that they still know us well, even without knowing who we know are and how we’ve changed in the past year.
People are content to remain stagnant, without really thinking relationships through. A good, close friend will not always remain so without firm maintenance of the relationship. You cannot assume that because you’ve known someone for eight, ten, or even fifteen years that they are the person you think they are…unless you have actually continually talked to them, discussed with them, built the basis for the friendship through following through on that oh-so-important maintenance necessary.
Who is at fault when a friendship or relationship is no longer what it once was? Without knowing circumstances, I can’t say. I can’t say it is only one person’s fault but, then again, I can’t say it isn’t either, especially if one person wished to hold on to something so dear but the other one willfully let it slide through his fingers.
I should probably disclaimer this post by saying that it is not motivated by any one person I know or that Neal knows. The feelings behind this came about through much discussion and many experiences over the past year that have left me jaded when a Plato-like (think “Rebel”) person says they know someone well. “Yeah, they’re my good/best/close friend.” Before making that statement, perhaps we need to take close looks at each relationship in turn, especially if it’s been around a long time. We can no longer assume that length of knowing someone really means that you know who they are and you are close to them. That month that you go without contacting someone? Could be the most life-changing month in their entire life. I know that from much experience with quick, hard, painful changes. I also know that I don’t know some of my friends from the past as I once did…and I don’t presume to be so assuming as to believe that they’ve not changed, have remained just as I remember them being just for me.
Many factors play into distance in a friendship: real, physical distance when one or both move, emotional distance when we don’t maintain the contact necessary to be true friends to one another, perhaps emotional distance when we choose to maintain contact but not true knowledge of who our friend is. Whatever the reason, regular examination of relationships is necessary. Think of it as your emotional checkup, I suppose, and reflect on who you are today, who your friends are, and how your relationships have changed. You may be surprised (and saddened, if you are like Neal and me) to find out that your long-time, once-close friend has now become an acquaintance, that you have grown apart without realizing it.
What have OTHERS said in response?