I am consistently amazed at people’s abilities to simply assume things to be just because they’d like them to be that way. For example, a person’s ability to delude themselves into thinking that just because they’ve known someone a long time they know the person very well. I’m unsure why they think time equals knowledge of someone. Be assured, all, that this is definitely not so.
Neal and I, for instance trusted each other immediately, something rare for both of us. He knew me better than any of my long-time friends in a few short months and I, he. (Said confidently and with his permission, as he is sitting right here in front of me. *Neal says, “HI!” and waves at the imaginary Jess-audience*) We can honestly say that we opened up to each other as we had opened to no one else previously, friend or family member. No one. So when my long-time friends said they knew me, well, yes, they did, but not better than this newer friend by far.
I said before that the things that other friends had found annoying in him and things that my other friends found frustrating in me, we both found endearing in each other. This is true and is probably the reason our friendship grew close very quickly. The other reason is inexplicable because neither of us knew why we trusted so quickly and so fully. It just came naturally within our friendship. In fact, my trust in him and knowledge that I could tell this new friend anything was a mitigating factor in my becoming more open with some of my more long-time friends.
Time does not equal knowledge. Take, for example, the minister who thinks that because he has known a person since he was young that he will be invited to a friends-and-family-only wedding. Take, also for example, the friend who calls himself a great friend to someone and, in public, pretends to know them well when, in truth, she doesn’t even know his email address or phone number and can’t get in touch with him…and repeated attempts at contact to maintain the friendship go unheeded. I am unsure why people want to put forth the façade that they know another better than they do but, for me, it is a frustrating quality that I abhor.
As we were discussing who to invite, Neal and I discovered people we once considered close friends and, after creating the list and discussing it more, we wondered to ourselves why we had included some. Sure, we used to be in close contact and used to know them well but…can we even say that we know them anymore at all? But, propriety prevails and they’ve already been told they are invited, so what are we to do? Call them up (assuming we know their phone numbers) and say, “You know what I just realized? I was inviting close friends to the wedding and I automatically invited you because I have just become so used to calling you a good friend, still maintain an old habit that is no longer based on reality”? Can you do that? I doubt it. They wouldn’t understand and would be upset, content with their little charade that they still know us well, even without knowing who we know are and how we’ve changed in the past year.
People are content to remain stagnant, without really thinking relationships through. A good, close friend will not always remain so without firm maintenance of the relationship. You cannot assume that because you’ve known someone for eight, ten, or even fifteen years that they are the person you think they are…unless you have actually continually talked to them, discussed with them, built the basis for the friendship through following through on that oh-so-important maintenance necessary.
Who is at fault when a friendship or relationship is no longer what it once was? Without knowing circumstances, I can’t say. I can’t say it is only one person’s fault but, then again, I can’t say it isn’t either, especially if one person wished to hold on to something so dear but the other one willfully let it slide through his fingers.
I should probably disclaimer this post by saying that it is not motivated by any one person I know or that Neal knows. The feelings behind this came about through much discussion and many experiences over the past year that have left me jaded when a Plato-like (think “Rebel”) person says they know someone well. “Yeah, they’re my good/best/close friend.” Before making that statement, perhaps we need to take close looks at each relationship in turn, especially if it’s been around a long time. We can no longer assume that length of knowing someone really means that you know who they are and you are close to them. That month that you go without contacting someone? Could be the most life-changing month in their entire life. I know that from much experience with quick, hard, painful changes. I also know that I don’t know some of my friends from the past as I once did…and I don’t presume to be so assuming as to believe that they’ve not changed, have remained just as I remember them being just for me.
Many factors play into distance in a friendship: real, physical distance when one or both move, emotional distance when we don’t maintain the contact necessary to be true friends to one another, perhaps emotional distance when we choose to maintain contact but not true knowledge of who our friend is. Whatever the reason, regular examination of relationships is necessary. Think of it as your emotional checkup, I suppose, and reflect on who you are today, who your friends are, and how your relationships have changed. You may be surprised (and saddened, if you are like Neal and me) to find out that your long-time, once-close friend has now become an acquaintance, that you have grown apart without realizing it.
I used to think similarly, but then I also recognized two other important factors that I think also need to be considered. The first is history. I have friends with whom I have not spoken with for 5+ years, but we have such a long history together before that which I believe is able to span at least some amount of time apart. If we have a significant history with a person, lost years can sometimes be made up over a cup of coffee.
The second is loyalty. I have friends who have known me over the past few years, but I’m not necessarily sure how loyal they are. The loyal friends are the ones who can be called and will be there for you in a time of need, even if you haven’t talked to them for some time. A loyal friend understands when you’re working 60+ hours a week, pursuing a master’s degree, and volunteering at church – they don’t pressure you for more time. I like those friends much better than the ones that demand regular time because they have a deeper love for your needs and attempt to give the much needed support.
I can agree with those, too. These are also not the types of people of whom I am speaking. My best female friend and I have gone quite a long time without speaking and, when we get back together, no time has passed, even it is six months to a year of no “real” conversation. We also don’t get together often because we live too far apart to have such regular visits (and that is definitely going to get worse).
I am speaking of those who make no effort whatsoever and pretend that they are keeping an extremely tight relationship to others. The people who want others to think that there is something more there when, in reality, it’s for show and the relationship was probably not really based on what it should have been in the first place.
As I said, this is not directed at specific people and, as Neal and I discussed it before I posted it, I want everyone who is or has been close to us to not immediately jump to the conclusion that this is they. I don’t know if you thought this or not, so this re-disclaimer is also not directed at you, Steph, but is a reminder to everyone that just because you haven’t been able to speak to us that much or are overly busy I am talking about you. I’m not.
I can understand being overly busy, believe me. I used to work all hours of the day and night, 70+ hours a week, and be on the road all the time. At that time, I had to rely on friends who were willing to work around my schedule and were willing to go months without contact. Heck, now, I’m still hard to get a hold of and I have regular hours now. I’m not the easiest person to get in contact with.
But
I let my friends know if I change addresses, phone numbers, or email addresses so we both have the option to contact when we have the time.
I just refuse to be the only one putting the effort into maintaining a relationship when it appears the other person isn’t willing to even expend a minimal amount of energy to keep something going. I’m not saying that passage of too much time negates a relationship. I’m not saying that history isn’t important. As I said, I have relationships like that. History with someone can make the passage of time seem worthless.
But when they change a lot…and you realize that they aren’t even near what you thought. And you have as well, enough that history doesn’t make up for being something else? That is when you have to really think it through. These are NOT two opposing thoughts, Steph, what you are adding to my thoughts and what I’m saying: They are complementary, in fact, in many ways.
I am saying this: You can’t assume that your relationship with someone is going to withstand time or be helped by history. You have to examine each in turn and find out what it truly is today. Just simply stating, “Well, have have a long history so the fact that they’ve become something that I don’t really like shouldn’t matter because the history makes it worth it” doesn’t cut it for me. If you have a loyal friend with whom you haven’t spoken in two years and, when you get together it feels as though no time has passed, then that has probably passed some level of examination…because you’ve realized it can hold up. But when something isn’t clicking anymore…no matter what the reason, you need to able to admit it, too.
No matter what, sometimes friendships are not forever. It’s silly to think that they are, even if you’ve had it for twenty years already. Circumstances change; people change; reactions change; realizations become clearer; we see differently.
Sure, some relationships are like what we both have apparently had, Steph. But, we must admit, too, that some aren’t.
Not matter how upset it makes us when we realize this. Sometimes, history doesn’t help, time doesn’t fade when you get together, and the friendship can’t return to its former glory. Sometimes? It just doesn’t work that way.
I think that *this guy is saying a lot of what I’m thinking. No, I’m definitely not as bitter as he is about things. Actually, I’m not feeling bitter about it at all. Just…sad, in my own cases in the past years. But this author seems to have done what I’ve said we should do: Reflect on relationships and examine what they are to us today, really, and not just what we hoped them to be. He discovered friends were better than he’d hoped and worse. He discovered that time can be worthless in the face of friendship but also quite meaningful in others.
He seemed to have discovered something I did these past couple years: Some friendships can remain or even grown with what seems like very little fostering but others just fade into something that isn’t even a reflection of what they once were.
* Rated “R” for mild language and drug references
This topic makes me sad because it hits close to home. A question I find interesting: Can friendships endure the fracturing of social bonds? I.E., are good friends we meet in high-school, college, church, or clubs still goods friends after the connection of belonging to these institutions is severed?
I only retain friendships with three or four people I went to high-school with (not even all from the same grade), about five from college, and probably about five from the church I left last year (that I spent 15 years in). Of all these, I would say I am close to maybe five of them. At this stage in my life, though, I’m not sure what constitutes ‘close’. Many of my close friends now live far from the area. Is a call every two months from a friend 600 miles away enough to hold a good friendship? I’m not really certain how much I’m supposed to put into the friendship in relation to what they are putting.
BAH! Sometimes I really do prefer nature to people. Sometimes, though…
I wish I could help, Nicholas, or offer some eerily sage advice from afar but…it’s as I keep saying: Each friendship is different and must be examined separately. No two relationships can withstand the same thing and some will fracture with the littlest pressure while others can take time, distance, and tons of heat on top of it all.
A couple years ago, now, I had a friend that I was seriously wondering about. Was the friendship worth the hassle it was then causing? We never talked about serious issues anymore and…it just seemed like we never talked or got together anymore. When we did, nothing was gained in the friendship and it didn’t seem to be going anywhere except down. I’m was given the advice to view this person as my “fun friend,” someone I just went and did fun things with, someone I didn’t really talk to about anything, etc. This type of relationship is apparenty satisfactory to some people and, well, I’m happy for them but I’m not the type of person who has people around for ornamentation. I want substance in my friendships, even if we have a dry spell, I want to know that we can talk about things if they are happening in my head and are threatening to overload my life. (Why do I always now feel that I have to place odd disclaimers in all my posts?: If you are one who has “fun friendships” and you can be satisfied with them, that is fine for you. It is not. for. me. only.) I had to examine this friendship to see if it could endure. Sighing-relievedly enough, it could and did. And I had the above discussion with that friend and told them my feelings, which prompted an excellent discussion.
Fracturing social bonds and endurance? Ah, you’ve come both to the wrong and right place. I’ve always said that I’m the worst friend in the world for keeping in touch; thus, I’m the hardest person to keep as a friend (which, by the way, is a reason I can’t fault distance or lack of contact in friendships that can still endure…I’ve had many friendships of my own endure through my own lack of consistent contact through no fault of the other person so I definitely can lay no blame in that area. It happens. *shrugs*)
I have one friend that I still consider close from high school (and the one who is marrying Neal and me)…er, junior high, actually. When talking about reunions, I say I am in contact with the people I want to be in contact with. I am such a fickle friend, I will admit, so I have had many fairly short-lived but close friendships. They can, and do, happen. (As I keep reiterating, not all friendships, no matter how close and deep at the time, are going to exist forever and some will break down and cease to be for whatever reason.)
As for college, I began to be a less fickle friend and had those that I strove to actually maintain them. I learned the joys of maintaining a fairly consistent “group” from one year to the next (with the necessary additions and deletions all groups go through from year to year, month to month). People graduated, moved on, and some of us still maintain the friendships. These friendships are long-distance. We go months without contact. But, yes, these are the same ones where a simple walk through the mall can restore the friendship, visiting for a weekend can fill the tank back up for another few months or years of busyness and forgetfulness. These exist.
They can endure changing scenery, if they mean that much to you. I was in my college roommate’s wedding this past summer and she will be photographing mine this May. We rarely talk on the phone and email about once every couple months (maybe) but we still know each other inside and out. The little bits here and there are enough to sustain.
But others…Nicholas, those others? The ones that go a few months or more and I just feel…empty about? The ones where I can see how changes have taken place, where nothing remains of the relationship that was? Where I just sit here and ponder in my head where it could even possibly go when everything seems so bleak and impossible to hold on to?
As you said, how do you define “close”? Each person defines it differently and only that one person can determine if a friendship “makes it” onto the list day after day. When one friend looks into the relationship and says, “Whoa….ummm….this isn’t what I thought it was anymore. I don’t know if it is worth it. I don’t know if I want to put in the effort this will need anymore” then that’s his prerogative. You can’t tell me that a friendship is or isn’t worth it because you can’t define my friendship’s worth or value in my life. This is where it gets sticky, you know? And when one realizes the other isn’t putting in the effort, then more examination should be put forth by the other person. Do you want to be the only one trying to maintain the friendship? When is it too late for someone to realize what’s going on? Is there a “too late”?
*sighs* Each. friendship. has it’s own value to each person. Some are worth fighting for to that person and some fade away. Some can withstand trial and anything thrown at it, including time and any kind of distance. Some can’t. Sometimes you just don’t want it to. That’s your decision. That’s their decision.
That’s the hard part about discussing this with others: No two friendships are alike and there are no decisive principles that sustain all relationships equally. In this case? It is fluid. It changes. One friend can not call for three years and you’re content to pick up where you left off at the mention of a drop into town. Another can go three months and you just realize that you don’t know if you even want to try sustaining it anymore.
Examine the relationship. Examine who you are. Examine who they are. Do you want to work on it? Do you want to keep it? Also important, do they? Is this one that will withstand? Or one that will cease?
When you get tired of being the only one attempting to keep it alive, don’t you have the right to just quit? Can we admit that sometimes, not always and not in every case, things aren’t going to get better; they aren’t going to become something different but still okay in its own way? Do we have to pretend that all friendships will withstand all trials? Or can we just admit that sometimes, no matter what age, things don’t remain the same. When you reach the point that history isn’t enough, loyalty doesn’t factor in here, and contact doesn’t matter…do you have the right to sever ties?
Yeah, that thing about all friendships being different is definately true. There are definately friends I don’t see for years, but we fall into lockstep the moment we meet again. Sometimes, though, I meet those friends when we are at interesting periods, and it just doesn’t seem to work.
Of course, I blame this all on them
I think there are times when I have definately been the friend who has changed to the point that the friendship no longer works…then all we have to talk about are movies and music, or video games. But sometimes, somehow, we suddenly have an important conversation and kickstart things again. I dunno. It’s crazy. I miss my cat.
You know, though, that’s also the great thing about people: Nothing is ever the same with any two people so we have so many opportunities.
I’m sorry about your cat, Nicholas. That’s a friendship for you. Mine keeps my feet warm when they’re cold and cuddles up with me when I’m upset about something. I only know one human being who is willing to do those things for me and, believe me, I didn’t think he even existed.–>