It occured to me tonight while driving back from meeting up with my cat’s vet to give her my babe’s insulin and food (which I was told this morning when I dropped her off that I wouldn’t need to bring *sighs*) that relationships are much like learning to drive a car.
When I learned to drive, I was so afraid that I wouldn’t learn to automatically respond in certain situations or that I wouldn’t remember things. Before I sat in the driver’s seat, I was wondering if I would automatically learn to press the gas and brake when needed. At first, of course, it would take thinking about. Brake, gas, brake, gas. I was afraid that I wouldn’t automatically associate the lights with stop, slow, and go. Yeah, knowing what they are is one thing and, as we grow up, we’re taught that. I remember the first time I was waiting at a red light and my niece said to me, “Green means go!” (I reminded her that we have to wait for the cars in front to go first, of course.) I worried when I was first learning that seeing red wouldn’t automatically translate in my head and then to my feet. Red, stop. Green, go. Yellow, slow to stop. The difference between what I knew and what would come automatically scared me for a while until I realized how adaptive and versatile we are. My feet automatically found the pedals in the right places and my brain translated without even having to concentrate. I can drive and talk, drive and sing, drive and look for other things, all while processing automatically the things I once worried about.
When I was in my first long-term relationship, I was worried I wouldn’t be the right girlfriend. I took cues from the wrong person and learned the wrong reactions and automatic responses. I hit the brake to go and the gas to stop. I processed green as slow, red as go, and yellow as stop. Everything, all those automatic responses were learned wrong.
Now I’m in another one and thinking about this again. I was once again afraid that I’d use the wrong braking method, pumping the brake when I actually had anti-lock brakes and didn’t need to. I’ve spent all the years between relationships learning to be alone and learning how to drive by myself again. Luckily, my head was on straight after the wrong-teachings and I’ve learned from my mistakes. It’s funny what a few emotional fender benders can do for you, you know?
So, now, I’m braking at the appropriate times and going when it’s green. Things are running smoothly. My brain processes the correct colors in the correct manner. I have a loving partner in this, one who realizes the occasional mistakes are just that and doesn’t make me pay for them over and over. One who realizes I’m imperfect and loves me for it.
Learning to drive incorrectly can have damaging effects to your health. The same can happen with learning to relate incorrectly. You will mistake cues and respond incorrectly. What works for some to correct this won’t work for everyone. I needed the alone time. I needed to re-teach myself how to be correct. And, after all that, I realize that we can always learn new things and benefit from them in a relationship, just as we never stop being vigilant in our driving and learning how to adapt to each new situation that arises. (I’m glad I live in the Midwest where we have many weird variations of weather to test our ability to drive so that a little snow, ice, wind, or rain doesn’t completely muck up my ability to get where I’m going safely and in a timely manner when it shows up unexpectedly.) I can adjust when the car in front of me slams on its brakes…without rear-ending it. I can move smoothly around that car that begins to back out in front of me on the way to work…without t-boning it. Time alone and taking the time to review how to react–and putting those lessons in action–has made me a much better mate. I’m lucky to have an other who is willing to continually learn with me and to realize that a broken taillight isn’t the end of the world.
Interesting thought process. A similar thought: I remember in driver’s ed having to learn to do backwards figure eights around designated cones. At no time in my driving life have I ever used this skill or anything close to it. Yet if I had to, I could (though parallel parking still alludes me) and the same goes for relationships. Sometimes we get involved in situations in relationships that we just don’t get why and then suddenly, maybe months or years down the line, you realize why and suddenly you get to use that “skill” or experience and it all makes sense. Drvier’s Ed. and relationships, who would have thought there was a parallel there?
You know what you reminded me of? The fact that Neal’s “road test” was a “course” consisting of cones. That’s it. It didn’t have real-life situations or any of the surprises that may come up with real driving. No odd-moving pedestrians. No kids running after balls. No cars doing things they shouldn’t. Cones. *shakes head* Real-life learning is much, much more beneficial. (My road test was in a real town with other real humans driving and real reactions to real situations.)
In dating? It’d be like someone saying, “Here’s a dummy. Pretend it’s your boyfriend and take a test drive with it. Let me know if you like how he handles.” How are you going to know how a real one will act around your friends? Or how he’ll react to your family?
Can you take your real boyfriend to a teddy bear tea party and pretend he’s met your folks, too? That might work as a part of a “cone-only test drive” situation, too.
“I know it’s not real, honey, but it will prepare you for the real thing. Really, it will. Pretend this bear is my mom and this my dad.” Heh. Yeah, fake tests are really worth so much. And show us how much we’ve learned, eh?
*ahem* It was a REAL road course, with stop signs, stoplights, etc. And there were other people driving around and taking their test at the same time. It just wasn’t out on “real” streets, though it wasn’t too unrealistic as set up. I’d agree that a real road course would be better, but oh well.
Anyways, I really like this analogy… and I was always surprised by how much driving just came to me. Kind of like my relationship with Jessica, so many things have just clicked. There are other things where we had to adjust or learn to, or learned from previous relationships. I got pretty good at parallel parking from learning with my Dad, and I can still do it.
And while I rather wish I had never kissed another girl than Jessica, I’m sure I learned things from earlier relationships that make me be a better boyfriend/fiancee/future husband for Jessica.
Actually… after high school, I wanted to be with someone really badly. I knew that I was meant to marry someone someday, I just was wired that way. However, I fought that impulse and prayed that I would only be in one more romantic relationship: the one with my wife, for life. Barring that, let it only be a relationship I NEEDED to be able to be a good husband for my future wife. I guess God taught me everything I needed to before that, or did so with other things in my life, because the first romantic relationship I’m in after high school is the one I will have for the rest of my life. As Jessica’s husband. *shivers* Don’t gag too much everyone else, but that still excites me!
TQ, mi MH.
Unless one of the other drivers tailgated you and then flipped you off as they illegally passed you, then you didn’t get the full “reality” of driving…
And…thanks. *grins* You’re amazingly wonderful, you know that?