I’ve slightly been procrastinating on this, but I’ve also been trying to figure out how to word it. A favored blog read recently wrote about forgiveness, wondering if a person can truly forgive another. I replied that, yes, forgiveness is possible, for almost any infraction, but it’s work. It’s not a quick, easy “I forgive you” and that’s that. It’s…a struggle, a daily reminder to yourself actually, forgiveness is. And contrary to common belief, forgiveness does NOT mean forgetting the issue.
I’ve had people do a lot of awful things to me in my life. To be honest, I wonder how I turned out so well, especially after my high school life and certain “friends” and family members I had to deal with. But there are only two people I’ve had to truly forgive that I have kept in my life, both of whom remain in my life to this day. Forgiveness was a necessity to maintain a relationship in these two cases, unlike the other ones I can remember. (And, to be completely honest, I don’t know if I HAVE forgiven those who “trespassed against me” back then. I’ll have to think more on that, mainly because I don’t see them, so I don’t know how I feel when I do see them—if that makes sense, which I hope it does.) One of these people will remain nameless, because only this other person and I even know about the offenses against me—and it’s going to stay that way, because it’s an issue only between this other person and me. I recently wrote about the other offense, however.
My mom and I have had a rocky relationship probably all my life, even before her illness started. I’m a very independent person and I’m vastly different from my older sister. Over the years, however, I think we’ve come to understand each other, and I even might go so far as to say that my mom can even appreciate my independence and struggle to be something that I personally like, even if that means that I don’t go along with what others think is best for me. Her illness just tended to make our relationship more than just rocky; it was dysfunctional.
During college, I realized (as I mentioned in that previous post) that I couldn’t carry around my anger with my mom all my life. I couldn’t even carry it another year or month. I had to deal with it, so I confronted her with my feelings on the entire matter. She shrugged me off with the comment that cut me to the quick.
This time, however, instead of taking the hurt and pain with me for months and years, I let it go. I consciously said that I was done with dealing with it. My mom couldn’t hurt me this way anymore. I was better than that, and I knew it. She knew it, too, even if she was too deep into her illness to articulate it or admit that she was wrong. I finally realized that, despite those things, she did love me. And I moved on.
I think that was the only thing that saved my relationship with my mom. I realized that I let her hurt me by not realizing that her attacks weren’t as personal as I was making them. I could control myself, but I couldn’t control her. I couldn’t be her parent, and she didn’t want me to try anyway. I let go, but I had to remind myself every time she said something hurtful or mean-spirited that I had forgiven her. And I really had. It didn’t hurt as much, and I didn’t argue with her as much. I stepped back from that part of our relationship and encouraged something else, something more productive, to grow.
The biggest change in my demeanor was hard for me, at first: I refused to bring up the past during a disagreement and I didn’t throw what she did to me in her face when I was angry. I had forgiven that, so it wasn’t on the table anymore. I also didn’t allow her past actions against me to mold me into something I hated. I didn’t use my past as an excuse to be, well, anything. I have flaws, to be sure, but I realize what they are and I actively work to change the parts of me that I hate. I don’t blame my parents, even though I can see direct links between my childhood and certain character traits I hate about myself. Instead, I take my past experiences and vow to be different, to make changes in the ways I react and respond to certain situations. It’s hard work, but it means that I’m taking responsibility for myself. Others in my family haven’t been so forward-looking, namely my sister.
So imagine my surprise on May 21st when I received an unexpected email from my mother. I had just recently hung up the phone after talking to her, so any email was a surprise so soon. But when I opened this particular email, I teared up and ran for Neal in the other room. My mom apologized for her actions when I was younger. She said that she thought she already had, but just in case, she wanted to do it again. She then expressed gratitude that I don’t use her past actions as excuses for current actions in my own life. (There has been some family tension lately for a variety of reasons, but it centers around my sister at this point in time. I’m not going to go into the reasons or issues, but it explains why my mom was thinking about this.)
I can’t blame my mom for my behavior now. I’ve been out of her house since I was 18, and even before that I didn’t allow her to control me. As a teenager, I was told I was 13 going on 30 or 16 going on 45. I was told how mature and responsible I was. I know that, in part, came because I was parenting my mom, but also in part just because I am that type of person, independent and strong. I’ve always realized that I can’t blame anyone but myself for what I do and that all consequences for my actions do (and rightly should) fall squarely on my own shoulders.
I wrote her back and thanked her for her apology. I let her know how hard I worked in college to forgive her and be my own person, without blaming her for who I was or what I became. I reminded her (gently) how I had asked for an apology that she couldn’t (or wouldn’t) give then. I let her know that I’d already forgiven her, but that her apology meant more to me than she probably realized.
I then told my mom about a concern I’ve been having for a few years: I worry that my niece won’t be as resilient and strong as I was and that she’ll end up on the other end of the spectrum, since that’s what she’s seeing every day. Neal and I work hard to be good role models for that amazing girl (and we’re lucky to be able to have her stay with us a couple weeks coming up at the end of the summer), because we want her to know that she can truly be whatever she wants to be. I want her to be strong enough to look inside herself for growth and change instead of looking to someone else for affirmation of who she really is. I know that she’s a wonderful girl and will grow up to be a wonderful woman. I just want her to know that, too.
And I want her to know that even if her mom doesn’t apologize for anything that happens to her as she’s growing up, she can still forgive her mom and move on in life, continuing to be that wonderful woman even if she never hears the words she really desires.
What have OTHERS said in response?