Disclaimer

Edited 9/8/07 to add the following quote (the rest remains untouched):

I do not think that I will ever reach a stage when I will say, “This is what I believe. Finished.” What I believe is alive … and open to growth.

~Madeleine L’Engle

I made an interesting discovery today while reading this post and then bits and pieces of my own blog. I am a master at revealing large pieces of myself without really revealing anything. I have known this for some time in my “real” life where I can seem open and talkative but people eventually realize how very little they really know me myself once they stop to think about it. The good side of this is gaining confidence and trust quite easily but the downside is that almost anyone I’ve known for ten seconds will immediately open up and tell me things about themselves that I really don’t want to know. It’s a bit disconcerting at times (just ask Neal how I often get drawn into conversations with strangers that are unusual and weird.)

I often get into the same type of situation as Neal has here wherein I tell a bit of where I’m coming from and people go on to assume much more. I started posting disclaimers here because I’ve had people assume that I’m attacking them and go on the defensive with something I’ve stated about myself, which obviously then convinces me to raise my hackles. Most of the people who read this blog, as of now, haven’t met me in person and only know as much as I’ve chosen to reveal; however, people have the tendency to assume much more.

I know I’ve written about assuming things about bloggers you read online and the (to me) obvious realization that I only can assume as much as they tell me. There is an iceberg effect within the Internet world of blogging where one can only see the tiniest bit of each blogger and there is oh-so much more buried underneath. Even one’s friends can misread something that one has written, especially when it’s been quite a while since they’ve discussed in-depth items with that friend. A lot about me has changed just in the past year let alone since I was in high school or college. I am definitely not the same person and hold many different views and values even from when I was a college senior and thought I knew it all. Each day I realize how little I really did know…and how little I do know now.

I told Neal that I’m glad he met me when he did because I was in the process of a large number of changes the year that we became friends. He is probably one of the only ones, if not the only one, who can say with any certainty that he now knows my thoughts and views on things. He is the only one who has regularly kept up with my life, my opinions, my values. Only he has been privy to the extensive list of reasons for so many, many things.

Here? Where I update you lovely folks that I mostly admire and greatly cherish? You get the visible iceberg of reason. Hence the disclaimers in previous posts. I may explain one facet of a very wrinkled object but that doesn’t mean that you know, as Paul Harvey says, “the rest of the story.” Assumptions can hurt just as perceived truth can strike a blow, especially when so little is actually known about what is going on behind this wrinkled brow.

I hate feeling as though I have to put disclaimers up but know that people have the tendency to feel close to someone if they read their writing a lot. Just think about how you feel about your favorite authors who have written extensively. I know that I often feel as though they have revealed portions of themselves to me and cherish those bits of insight into who they are, into their vastly interesting brains. I force myself to keep in mind, however, that I don’t really know them or who they are, even if I read their works, their biography, their autobiography: I only know what is chosen to be revealed. It’s so hard to really know someone else and blogging just isn’t going to be the way you find out who they truly are completely.

But we do it anyway. We presume to know this blogger or that. We think that because we knew Bob’s views on toxic paint fumes six years ago, he can’t have changed his mind. Until we find out that he was overcome by said fumes just one month ago when he didn’t air the room out, as he always had done in the past. Believe me, my friends, my family, and my dear readers: One’s views can change ever so drastically in just a few days let alone in several years’ time. Even something I thought I believed a week ago can change for me if given enough insight and reason into a different way of thinking.

But I still have to remember this: Differences of opinion, as I mentioned in my last post, are just that. Many opinions have weight and merit. Many views hold value simply because of the strong value system of the person behind the view. If you convince me that you have thought something through and have valid, logical reasons behind your belief, I can see things your way. I may not agree. I may hold a differing value to be important to me but I can concede your way is not wrong, merely not mine.

Assumptions get in the way of our doing this and allow us to wrongly put our own belief systems onto others, placing a boxed-in worldview on someone else. We have to allow for differing opinions.

But that doesn’t mean not standing up for your own.

I did not want an engagement ring. That doesn’t mean the woman at work who said, “I’ve already told my boyfriend it must be at least two karats in the main single stone,” is wrong in her desire. She simply has different opinions about engagement than I do and different wants within her relationship. That’s her prerogative and my view is mine. I didn’t argue against her view (although she did jump me about how I should have made Neal pay, perhaps assuming that this was mainly his way of saving money when, in reality, I told him I would refuse any ring I was given). I simply said, “That was my wish,” and she let it go. No need to go into the political, economic, and personal reasons behind my view, just as I didn’t see a need to go into all of that here on my blog. One side of my opinion was shown at that time and…it is all anyone but Neal (and a few close friends) will ever need to know. People may want to know more. They may assume even more than they know. But the truth remains thus: What is known is only as little as the iceberg tip that I’ve given here. And that ain’t nothin’ but a small portion of the entire reasoning behind it, baby.

(This is the main disclaimer, being the last one put up when I realized it was needed. Please note others that have also been written in the past. Thank you for your understanding that this blog isn’t about you. If it makes you think, good for it. It is makes you mad, wonder why and examine your beliefs and feelings. If it helps you to realize that we’re all different, then go on with your life, stronger in your own beliefs and happier that you can accept people as they come.)